How to facilitate:

1. INTRODUCE THE ACTIVITY

🗣️ SAY "I will read out a scenario featuring two individuals in a relationship. We will go through this scenario step by step. At each step, I will ask you some questions for our discussion.”

⚠️ Give participants a CONTENT WARNING that the scenario may include discussion of coercive relationship dynamics, in which one person may be pressuring their partner to try sexual activities that had been witnessed in porn.

2. Read out the following scenario:

📢 Tom and Tara are both 16 years old, and they have been going out as a couple for a few months. They have been sexually intimate with one another, mostly in the form of touching. However, they have not had penetrative sex or oral sex. Tom’s friends watch porn on the internet, and when he’s with them, he watches it too. He also watches porn daily, when he is alone. Tom’s friends sometimes brag, as though their own girlfriends have sex with them like in the porn videos they watch. Tom doubts the truth of this, because he knows that not all of them actually have girlfriends. However, his friends put pressure on him to have sex with Tara like the sex they see in porn. His friends say, ‘That’s what girls expect.’

3. DISCUSS

🗣️ SAY "I will now go through step by step to ask you to think about a few questions along the way.”

1. What might be going on for Tara?
2. What might be going on for Tom?
3. What are the power dynamics happening here?
4. What are their responsibilities to themselves and to one another?
5. What if their genders were ‘reversed’ (i.e. if Tom was a girl, and Tara was a boy)? What if they were a same-gender couple?

Go through each of these one by one, and in turn, ask participants to reflect on the rights and the responsibilities of Tom and Tara for each of them.

A. Tom asks Tara to give him oral sex, after she has said no to intercourse. Tom says that Tara can’t get pregnant from oral, and it would still give him pleasure.

• What might be going on for Tara?
• What might be going on for Tom?
• What are some of the power dynamics that might be happening here?
• What are Tom’s responsibilities?
• What are Tara’s responsibilities?
• How might their gender influence their thoughts and feelings about this?

B. Tom wants Tara to shave or wax off her pubic hair because he thinks that pubic hair is dirty, and says that Tara would look sexier without it.

• What might be going on for Tara?
• What might be going on for Tom?
• What are some of the power dynamics that might be happening here?
• What are Tom’s responsibilities?
• What are Tara’s responsibilities?
• How might their gender influence their thoughts and feelings about this?

C. Tom describes what he would like to do with Tara, based on something he’s watched in a porn video. Tara is interested, but feels that she is not quite ready to try that.

• What might be going on for Tara?
• What might be going on for Tom?
• What are some of the power dynamics that might be happening here?
• What are Tom’s responsibilities?
• What are Tara’s responsibilities?
• How might their gender influence their thoughts and feelings about this?

D. Tara told Tom she would break up with him if he won’t stop watching porn. Tom enjoys watching porn when he is alone and doesn’t understand why it bothers Tara.

• What might be going on for Tara?
• What might be going on for Tom?
• What are some of the power dynamics that might be happening here?
• What are Tom’s responsibilities?
• What are Tara’s responsibilities?
• How might their gender influence their thoughts and feelings about this?

❤️ IMPORTANT PROMPTS
Continue to encourage and test your own and participants’ assumptions about Tom and Tara. These may include:

- Do we assume that Tom is ‘good’ or ‘bad’ for wanting sex?
- Do we assume that Tara is ‘good’ or ‘bad’ for not wanting sex with Tom?
- Does it matter if Tom has been influenced by porn in what he wants? How about Tara?
- What could happen if either Tom’s or Tara’s feelings are not considered by the other?
- How do gender dynamics influence this?
- Thinking back to the conversation on power: How would the person with less power try and have a healthy relationship with the other? What would they need in order to feel empowered in the relationship, and why? Can they feel free to leave the relationship, if this is appropriate for them?

This activity was adapted from:

NZHEA. (2015). Teaching and learning activities for addressing concerns about pornography in Health Education. New Zealand Health Education Association (NZHEA). Accessible here: https://nzhea.files.wordpress.com/2016/07/nzhea-seg-activities-for-exploring-the-issue-of-pornography-20161.pdf