How to be an ally

It’s important to actively learn about the experiences of LGBTQIA people from LGBTQIA+ people, who come from a diverse range of backgrounds. One tip is to seek information and media that’s created by LGBTQIA+ people locally, nationally and internationally, including from different cultures and languages.

LGBTQIA+ people are as diverse as anyone else. Just as no two heterosexual people share the exact same gender identity or sexuality, no two people in the LGBTQIA+ community share the exact same gender identity or sexuality either. You can’t always tell if someone is gay or straight, cis or trans, asexual or allosexual.

We can never know with 100% certainty what it’s like to be another person, no matter how much we try. But even if we don't understand, we can still support others to be free to be who they are.

Ignorance, anti-queer, and anti-LGBTQIA+ jokes, comments and ideas are hurtful and harmful. Let your friends, family, and colleagues know that you find them offensive and unacceptable.

Sometimes, we need to stand up for LGBTQIA+ people, even when we feel scared to do so. It’s normal to feel scared - after all, hatred and discrimination toward LGBTQIA+ people is real, and it can be a genuine risk to stand against hate, and to stand up for what’s right.

Sometimes, being an ally can be uncomfortable because you've been told that you’ve said or done that has hurt another person, even if you didn’t mean to be hurtful.

At times like this, it's tempting to talk back and defend yourself. However, it’s often more important to listen and consider constructive criticism, even when this is uncomfortable. Listening and taking in feedback can help you better understand an issue - and in turn, help you grow into a better ally.

Doing the right thing, and wanting to be liked, are different things. You cannot always expect that you will be recognised or rewarded for doing the right thing.

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Sometimes, despite your best efforts to do the right thing, another person might still decide that they are not comfortable being around you. While it's difficult to hear that someone is suffering or hurting, especially if you’re not sure why, it's important to respect their boundaries, regardless.

If you ever make a mistake, just correct yourself, and move on without focusing on it.

For example, you might accidentally use the wrong pronoun when referring to someone. This person may correct you and tell you what their correct pronoun is, so that you can get it right from now on.

If this happens, it’s normal to feel embarrassed. As long as your heart is in the right place, and you don’t mean any harm, then in this example, it’s best to simply apologise, correct yourself, and move on. If instead, you become defensive, you may start making excuses for yourself, and this may add stress for the other person, especially if this is a common experience for them.

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The above advice only applies if someone doesn’t learn from this experience. If someone repeatedly makes the same mistake, and expresses no real commitment to change, this might indicate a bigger problem, such as bullying and discrimination, which can be unlawful.

Sometimes, you can do or say things that may be hurtful or harmful to others, even if you didn’t intend it to be hurtful, or even if you were 'just joking'. This doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person. But for the person who’s hurt, the impact is still hurtful or harmful.

Spend less time explaining your intentions, and simply commit to addressing the impact of your words and actions. Know that you are a good person, and this is what good people do.

De-centering yourself means not seeing yourself as the centre of what’s most important, as an ally. It means that, while your own needs and feelings are important, it’s important to highlight and amplify LGBTQIA+ people’s voices before your own, especially when it’s usually their needs that are ignored.

What are pronouns?

Many people think that pronouns are a new invention, but people have always used different pronouns to refer to ourselves, to one another, and to other people. For example, the English language has several different types of pronouns:

1st person pronouns
1st person pronouns are used to refer to ‘myself’ as an individual, such as 'me', 'mine', or 'I', or to ‘ourselves’ as a group of people.

2nd person
2nd person pronouns are used to refer to the person or the people that you are talking directly to, such as 'you', 'yours', 'yourself', and 'yourselves'.

3rd person
3rd person pronouns are used to refer to another person, or to other people. In English, we have gendered pronouns, such as the masculine pronouns 'he', 'his', 'him', or the feminine pronouns 'she', 'hers', 'her', as well as gender neutral pronouns, such as 'they', 'theirs', 'them'.

💡 Did you know?

Like English, many other languages have 3rd person pronouns that are gendered. For example, ‘he’ and ‘she’ are ‘el’ and 'ella’ in Spanish, or ‘sie’ and ‘er’ in German, respectively.

However, this is not true for all languages around the world. For example, Malay uses only one pronoun, ‘dia’, to refer to he or she. Similarly, in Tagalog, the pronoun ‘siya’ is used to refer to he or she.

What are the basics of using pronouns in an inclusive way?

Pronouns are one way people refer to one another and to themselves. If you’re unsure what a person’s pronoun is, ask respectfully, and privately if possible. You can ask a question like, 'What pronoun do you use?'

1. You can respectfully ask someone their pronouns if you are unsure.
2. If someone discloses their pronouns to you, then use them!
3. Don’t question or make assumptions about someone’s gender. Respect how people define themselves.

You may also notice that someone uses different pronouns in different environments, or with different people. This might be because they don’t always feel safe or comfortable using their actual pronouns with people they don’t know well.

Sharing pronouns isn’t just for LGBTQIA+ people. Anyone can share their pronouns whenever meeting others for the first time, so that everyone else knows that it’s okay to share their pronouns too.

Assume that the same norms of respectfulness apply when meeting a trans person for the first time. Just as it would be rude to ask a cis person about their genitals and other private parts when first meeting, it’s just as disrespectful to ask a trans person the same things.

Remember that trans and gender diverse people don’t necessarily want ‘special’ treatment. Many of the things that trans people do to affirm their gender, such as using certain pronouns, wearing certain clothes, buying certain products, or accessing certain medications, are also things that cis people do to affirm their own gender.

The main difference is that society looks down on trans people for doing these things, while accepting, or even celebrating, when cis people do the same things.

For example, if a cis man enjoys taking muscle supplements and going to the gym, this is celebrated. But if a trans man does the same thing, he may be accused of faking, or ‘trying too hard’.

Similarly, if a trans woman enjoys wearing makeup, or wants to access cosmetic surgery, some transphobic people will accuse her of upholding negative standards of beauty for women. However, of course, many cis women also wear makeup and access cosmetic surgery.

You can read more [here] .

Even if you’re ordinarily attracted to other cisgender people, whether you’re lesbian, gay, bisexual or straight, you may find yourself one day attracted to someone who is trans or gender diverse. This may bring up questions for you around your own sexuality.

It’s important to know that you’re normal! Trans people, after all, just like cis people, are worthy of love. If you love or are attracted to someone who is trans, this is something to celebrate!

If this is you, you can read more here: https://www.transhub.org.au/allies/partners

It’s important to challenge your own internal attitudes, assumptions, and prejudice toward same-sex relationships.

For example, unless they tell you, don’t assume that someone’s partner is of the ‘opposite sex’, by default. It may be better to refer to someone’s partner as 'partner', and to use 'they/them' pronouns instead of 'he/she' to start with, unless you are told otherwise.

Because lesbian, gay and bisexual (LGB) people are often singled out for prejudice around same-sex sexuality, many people get stuck on what LGB people do in the bedroom. Don't ask invasive questions of your LGB friends about the sex they have.

Don’t assume that someone is broken or ‘incomplete’ unless they have sex or are in a relationship.

Mainstream society has many norms and rituals for celebrating romantic relationships, such as meeting one another’s parents for the first time, moving in together, and most famously, getting married. However, there are unfortunately fewer ways that we can celebrate our friends. Remember to prioritise and find ways to celebrate love between your mates!

There’s no one way to be intersex. Intersex people, like endosex people, are diverse in terms of gender identity and sexual orientation.

Some intersex people have undergone medical procedures before they were legally able to consent for themselves, that is distressing for them. Don't try to lessen their experiences by comparing it to your own. For example, if you’re someone with a circumcised penis, it can be tempting to compare your own experiences with intersex experiences of things like forced sterilisation and genital mutilation.

This comparison erases the very specific traumas that are associated with unwanted medical procedures that target some intersex babies, such as being forced into a binary sex body without consent, in order to function according to heteronormative rules, because of society’s overall discomfort with sex and gender ambiguity.

If an intersex friend trusts you by divulging personal or medical information, it’s important to honour their privacy and refrain from sharing this information with other people without your intersex friend’s consent. Ask them what is or isn’t appropriate to share with other people.